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Mocha jumped on my face while I was using my phone with my blankets over my head... smashed my phone into my nose.

I was ill again today. I tried to fix myself and it subsided... for a while.

On the plus side, no headaches today.

I have... sugar free Pepsi. And a Butterfinger. The fact that I have not scoffed the Butterfinger yet makes me so ridiculously happy. Hell, the fact that I have not scoffed the 9 muffins I have makes me happy.

My self control seems to be back, which is lovely... and I have lost more weight. The next few weeks will suck, but entirely be worth it.

Cheers to... control.

Cheers to the extreme control I am using in my food consumption again. I have lost 4lbs in 2 days. I wanted to lose that by Friday... so my goal is to lose 4 more. And the next week, even more.

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Lilithmae
13:25 May 23 2015

*Raises a glass* send some this way will you please! Lol

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Judgement
05:34 May 24 2015

Stop losing so much weight D:

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I'm looking into post-grad programmes... life is great. If I get into what I'm trying, I will be finished by next December (theoretically), and I'll be able to move back to my parent's town. I'm hoping I can get an 18 month lease when this one expires, so I will have... roughly a year left here, if I get into what I'm trying.



Tomorrow I get food, hopefully I can hold out until lunch time - 1 at the latest.

I made a list of all the things I need/want. I can't wait. I'm so flipping hungry.

Today I've had... a piece of toast, cubes of roasted pumpkin, a small number of wedges and a cup of rice.

Yum.

Cat is now sitting on my bed, avidly watching Dodgeball... my boyfriend would say that the cat has great taste in movies.

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Judgement
03:07 May 20 2015

Is true.

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My kitten just fell off the windowsill. I think he gets lovely and warm and sleepy... bam, he's on the ground.



xD





I have things to do, but I don't want to do them. I need to start math tutoring, go for a swim, apply for more openings, do some more... something else that I have forgotten... I know I have a lot to do, I've just forgotten it. Damn it.



I had a meltdown a few days ago and decided not to study midwifery, because there's practices I would not ethically do. I would rather shred my skin off with a cheese grater. Saddest thing about that is that I am serious. I would literally rather die than have to not only perform those duties, but deal with people who made the choices underpinning them.

I decided to do my second choice, which is Psychiatric. That will literally be amazing.

It still really breaks my heart though.

Sigh.

If I completed a grad certificate of Psychiatric Nursing, I'd apply for a place in Brisbane, which is about 20 hours away from where I currently live. Maybe I would do a neo-nat post-grad... maybe.

Who knows.

I realised that titbit of information was probably only going to alert more people, thus make it more difficult for those dealing with it.



This is... bizarre. Haha. It's so bizarre.









I want to go swimming today.

If my cat were at Hogwarts, he'd be a Hufflepuff. Sorry, Mocha, but it's true.

I've been listening to late 80's-early 200's rock - RHCP, Pearl Jam, Alice In Chains, The Cranberries... I found an awesome playlist on Youtube full of that sort of stuff.

It's... it's kind of funny because I haven't listened to it in years, but I know all the words. It's... not my type of music any more, but I can still sing along.

It's too cold to swim in the lake now... so I may go to the huge pool in the city center. It's expensive, but it's heated and it'd be nice to have some "me" time where I do something I can wholly focus on.

I am watching Rain Man, and every time the brother yells at Rain Man and touches his stuff... oh man. It makes my skin crawl and my bones ache.



I'm ridiculously excited for tomorrow.

It drives me nuts when people ignore... everything you try do for them. It drives me nuts when people... make things harder for themselves than they need to be.









I am attempting to enrol mid-term into nursing. I could be a nursing student again in 2 months.

The thought makes me feel a lot of mixed emotions - mainly happy. It makes me want to cry with happiness. By Christmas next year, I would be a fully Endorsed Nurse.

Fucksticks.

Tomorrow I ring and make all the enquiries. The test is in a month, on the 15th.

If I actually get in again, I think I will sit on the floor and sob my eyes out.

Someone once called me a failure because I didn't continue with my nursing, because I made plans and wasn't able to financially follow through on them any more. It bothered me a little at the time, because that was how I felt - now I am content with my choices - because I have learnt a lot, I have confidence to continue with nursing and I am happy with my decision. I've been thinking this over in the last two years since I exited nursing - and I am sure this is the right pathway. I already have a smaller qual in healthcare, but this will be... great.

Tomorrow I see if I can take the test earlier, or use my old test results.

I had odd and really long-winded dreams tonight. I was in the military, in the latest batch. I was still trying to be a midwife. We were at a ski resort and there was wolves, and we chased one through the halls of an eerily quiet lodge, because we accidentally let it in. I was really good with the wolves - while we were sitting outside on a bench, they came to me, trusted me, and people were amazed.

The only military person I liked was someone who looked/sounded like Tommy Lee Jones. After letting the wolf outside he and I went and chatted - he wanted to know about my history. I told him about my life and my family, and that I hated war. I got the feeling he did, too, but we were both shit out of luck because for some reason, some war was coming, and they didn't care who they sent off, as long as people were being sent. It wasn't a normal war at all.





My kitten was scratching around my bedroom and he woke me up.

I forgot the first half of the dream, but I remember thinking "WOW, this is a weird dream."... while in the dream.

Lucidity.



It was almost a nice dream. I was almost exactly as I an now - only I was... well, I was still demure, but to use a poor phrase, "I had seen some shit" and was stronger than I am now.

There was an unnerving, creeping quiet sadness that creeped me out, however. I creeped myself out with myself.

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Amenthewick
21:58 May 09 2015

I gave a dying coytoie Gatoraide one time....it was gone the next day....hmmmmmmm

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Amenthewick
22:00 May 09 2015

I meant a real wandering coytae.....jesus I don't want to use spell check to reflect a fake intellgence level.....

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I wanted to Netflix and sleep... figured it'd take a while for my kitten to konk out, so I could listen to music and watch movies while he calmed down.

Nope. He curled up behind me as I was sitting on my bed, and now I don't want to move him... because he's konked out. He did it as soon as I got into bed.

Bless him.

I'm too afraid to move him, but I have to because he's literally in the middle of the bed.

Oh Momo... you're wonderfully adorable. :3





Today I got mint bodywash by a lovely English company. The packaging is recycled and recyclable, and best yet, the product is vegan - no animals in it, no animals used for testing. I refuse to buy cosmetic, vain crap that's tested on animals.

The product that I bought is also just wonderful. Even without the cruelty-free stance morals I have, I'd buy it, because it is a great product. Seriously. I mean... like before I cared about cruelty-free, I would have got it, because it's just so good.



The bottle claimed the bodywash would make my skin tingle. I did not believe it. I do after using. Holy god, the SMELL was phenomenal. It was fucking amazing. I used one of their washes before, and I know they make amazing, deliciously scented things, but GOD, this smelled so good.

It’s shallow of me, but I like getting jewellery from loved ones. I love pearls and silver things. I always have my pearl earrings in, halfway up my ears I always have small pearls. I'd prefer fake, since they're not ethical at all when they're real. Poor mussels/clams.

I also wear my mala quite often, but they're not decorative at all.



I think... pearl earrings and mala are the only things I will buy for myself, too. Everything else is given or not had. I am... I don't like buying things like that, because it means x100 more if it's a gift, you know?



I know.

Nearly midnight and I am craving garlic bread.



I committed carbacide earlier - tatter tots, mac 'n cheese and a piece of garlic bread. Holy god. It was all low-fat and lite, but holy god. I dry-baked the tots so they weren't oily at all, the mac 'n cheese was made with only water (I always leave out the butter and milk, as I consume neither), and I only had one piece of garlic bread, but holy god. I didn't eat huge amounts, but... holy god...

Everything was yellow. The mac n' cheese was solidly yellow. The garlic bread - yellow. The tater tots, baked to golden-yellow perfection.

Holy god.



God.



I really want more garlic bread.

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Theta
16:54 May 07 2015

And now I'm hungry ...

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Google it.

I ordered a gorgeous sweater nearly two weeks ago and still haven't received it. Its a lovely caramel colour. Unf, sweater, I wantchu so badly.



In the last 24 hours, I have been awake and concious for 6 hours. I have slept for 18 hours in the last day. I am wondering if this is because I was unable to sleep well for the days following the music festival I went to, and I was unable to heal the injuries I sustained as I was awake and using those parts of my body. Now I can sleep for 9-12 hour blocks and still feel tired... however the pain in my shoulder and wrist is melting away. Maybe I have hit that limit where my brain keeps shutting me down because I am not taking things easily, not resting, and it is like "Okay, playtime over, go sleep."

I am 98% sure that I am sleeping so much because I am still recovering from the festival and continue to exert myself.



Silly me.



I am glad I am happier lately than I was, say, a month ago, even though I still complain. Things are brighter.

I don't understand it. I guess it is okay, as I am not emotionally invested into "it", but it is still perplexing to be faced with "it".



I attended all my appointments and got praised for being a good citizen. Literally. It was kind of nice. I have appointments tomorrow and then... it is the weekend.

I am still trying. I'll never give up, as much as this sucks.

I got a wonderful cd a few weeks ago; "The 50 Greatest Pieces of Classical Music", by the London Philharmonic Orchestra. It's a really nice selection of music. I am not entirely pleased that it's not the entire pieces - it's just the more famous parts, which are generally 3-10 minutes long. It's still good though, because I can then go look up the piece and listen to the entire suite if I want to. My favourites are ones I have generally heard before, but some are ones I didn't know the names of, like... Clair De Lune, O Fortuna and Carmen's Habanera.

It has Barber's Adagio for Strings, Swan Lake, Moonlight Sonata, Ride of the Valkyries, 4 Seasons (Spring), The Planets (specifically Jupiter), Für Elise, Ode to Joy, Eine Kliene Nachtmusik, Ave Maria, Hallelujah, In the Hall of the Mountain King, Canon... all of which are GREAT.



I wish it had Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy and Unaccompanied Cello Suite No. 1: Prelude... but it doesn't. And that's okay, because I can just buy those two single pieces and not worry about having to buy all the others, because I already have them.

The next two days are "look after Owlish days". Every day should be this, and it's kind of sad that I am allotting time for it, but what the hell - allotting time is better than ignoring my wrist and so on.



I'm pretty sure I have a Ganglion Cyst on the top of my left wrist, which was exacerbated when the drunk guy at the music festival grabbed my wrist repeatedly, and moved it at weird angles.

Thanks, drunk guy. I could have lived with the pain beforehand (and have been managing it perfectly fine for months), now it's protruding from my skin and it feels like my hand is just going to break off the end of my arm.

Tomorrow I am going to go see a center that I have been communicating with over the last two days, and try fix my driving license issues.

The day after is full of appointments. If they decide to remove the cyst, I'll be booked into... either the hospital or the surgery clinic, and it'll be removed in outpatient. Not gonna lie, if they use local, I will 100% watch them slice my wrist open. That'll be pretty awesome.

They may drain it, but draining the cyst does next to nothing. It'll grow back, and I will have it drained again, and it'll grow back... and it'll be a bad cycle. If I have any say in it, I'll ask for it to be removed. I should fit the criteria for having it removed - it has to interfere with daily function, be extremely large and unsightly or painful. Mine's incredibly painful when poked, and I don't have full flexation/extension of my wrist, function is impaired.



Sigh. I hope this doesn't effect giving blood - which I want to do on Monday. Tomorrow I also have to go apply for something. Ugh.

I just got back from the festival.

I got... shoved, multiple times, sometimes several times a minute. Whilst listening to Wolfmother I was shoved by a guy who apologised, grabbed me before I fell and then patted my hair bun. Wat.

I was elbowed, quite a bit.

I got spat on. It was an accident but it does not make it any less disgusting.

I was stepped on, many times.

I was used as a means for someone to get on another's shoulders... which was the most painful thing of the night. Two stupid girls behind me grabbed my right shoulder and tried to use it to push the other girl up... holy god, her hands were like a vice on my shoulder. Someone then elbowed the same shoulder, same spot, an hour later. He said sorry.

I got barked at by a drunken fool.

I had my left wrist grabbed, third most painful thing after vice-shoulder and then elbow to the vice-shoulder - a really drunk guy wanted me to dance with him, we had just arrived and I was not "feeling" it yet. I was not... feeling the music festival. I don't dance with anyone, and he was insistent, I kept snatching my wrist away, he kept grabbing...

Someone accidentally tipped water on my legs and shoes.

A fight broke out behind me while "Woman" by Wolfmother was being performed.





I got pretty goddamn close to Peaches, who. was. AMAZING, OH MY GOD, SHE WAS AMAZING. She tripped over and somehow ended up in the crowd, who then lifted her and she CONTINUED SINGING AND OCCASIONALLY CURSING AT US WHILE WE CROWD-SURFED AND LIFTED HER AROUND AND BACK TO THE STAGE. YOU GO, PEACHES.

Wolfmother were fucking spectacular. They played mostly old stuff, which was amazing. They turned into a mosh/fight, which sucked a bit as I was right against the gate at the front, and had nowhere to go.

Hill Top Hoods were spectacular. I was "in the nosebleed section" for them, too - pressed against the metal gate. They were wonderful to see and listen to - so full of energy, so vibrant and engaging.



Just seeing Peaches alone was worth the ticket price.

I was going to buy an American candy, because it's full or sugar and all sorts of nasty stuff that will give me energy for tonight... found a box of Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans.



I had grass, pepper, bogey and dirt... and I didn't give up... until I had a soap bean and a sausage bean. The sausage one was disgusting, like burnt BBQ. It tasted like a sausage - don't get me wrong - I dislike sausages though. The soap one... was... wow. It was soap. Eugh.

I looked up some of the colours in my box... and there was a spotty orange one that is apparently vomit.

That can wait until tomorrow.

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AsphaltTears
09:53 May 03 2015

Sounds like something found on the candy cart on the Hogwart's train.

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Owlish
14:25 May 03 2015

That's exactly what it is. Haha.

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"Teehee, I am going to say you can see who I am on my profile, but I am unable to code, so the text will be opaque, and so will the background, so it'll be impossible to read what I have written there... but I expect you to know what I am saying!"



People who are so bad at coding make me grateful that they're so bad that they can't disable highlighting on their profiles - because if they could do that, no-one but themselves would have any idea as to the rubbish they are spouting.

It makes me sad when I don't get replies.



3 hours until I leave. Excited.



I am watching David Attenborough documentaries on the ocean and cheering on sharks and dolphins.



I feel so restless. I want to go to the festival.



My housemate's dog has been barking so much today. I get why - I can HEAR the music festival - it's loud and the chanting/cheering can be heard from a mile away. I live... less than half a mile from it. I can see why he's distressed... but he's 7-8 months old now. He needs to have stopped barking yesterday. Sigh. He's going to have to stay inside while we are gone. It's not fair to the entire street when he's barking.

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Lethargy
03:49 May 03 2015

Lol, stop being so mean to the puppy.

Also, who isn't responding?

I'm being nosey.

Enjoy the festival, but be safe!

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I hate it when conversation turns to me. I was talking in a group and we were talking of trivial news, and how none of us cared about a new royal baby. Someone piped up saying that they DO care, and I went off about it - I wasn't nasty or rude, I just said... "I'm not a Monarchist, so... /shrug. A privileged family has a privileged child who will never work a day in their life. Awesome. I can't afford food and have lost 10kg in 3 weeks because of lack of food. Awesome."

It was... not meant as a "pity me" thing - it was just that people have more important things going on than caring abut some rich tosh's child, when people who actually have to work and earn a living cannot afford to feed themselves.

The lady continued going on about the child and how important it is... and I considered blocking her so I didn't have to see her Royalistic love. It was getting on my nerves.

6,000 dead in Nepal now... and the news bangs on about a privileged child.

Look how many fucks I give.

A few minutes later, after I stopped following the conversation, someone asked me for my diet secrets, and we joked around a bit, someone else asked me what I want to study, I answered... and the Monarchist offered to give me food money.

She's not a bad person for being a Monarchist. I don't dislike her, she's kind and makes nice posts... but I ended up annoyed again. I graciously refused, she insisted... you're annoying me again, lady!

Sigh.

Some people are nicer than me, or... nicer in different ways and it weirds me out.

She offered money for food, which is nice.

I feel like trying to gently tell her to donate it to Nepal, which is nice.

Blegh.



I hate it when things go off topic and end up being a... "Poor girl" thing. Because I am managing, by the skin of my teeth, I am managing.

This time tomorrow, Hill Top Hoods will be finishing their set. Wow.

I am not prepared. Heh.

He slept until 7.30, the snuggly little angel. I didn't want to leave. I did. What amazing willpower - dragging oneself out of bed when they really don't want to. It is cold, it has been raining, tomorrow will be a long day and night.

I am looking forward to seeing Peaches.



I'm cold.

"It's because of me. It is my fault. Something I did or said, something... something. Me. It is because they did that for me. It is causing problems. It's all my fault."



- don't do that to me.

Prickly skin, goosebumps, tightness in chest.

Don't do that to me, me.

I love taking funny photos of Mocha. He's so pretty and so clever... and so innocent looking... and so... unf.



I am so excited to be able to cook a huge amount of food tomorrow. It will be delicious, and healthy and hopefully fill me up before the festival.

I am looking forward to the food I will make more than I anticipate the festival, to be honest.

One day to go after tonight. Erblergherg.



I love that I can cut, dye, wash and blow-dry my own hair... and it looks great. It's dark aqua blue, half an inch shorter and deliciously fluffy, soft and sweet smelling.

It's shallow, but it makes me happy. I hate shelling out money for hairdressers, and refuse to. It's... lucky I am good at cutting my own, and lucky that if I took a big enough chunk, it wouldn't bother me too much.







I have been craving brussel sprouts and broccoli. I know what it generally means... so tomorrow I'm going to get frozen sprouts (fresh are stupidly expensive) and curry paste and make the biggest pot of curried green veg that I can, and then try ration it out. Hopefully I can even get cauliflower. Om fucking nom. I am so looking forward to it.

The closer the music festival gets, the more nervous I get.



I was sad because we first thought no food was allowed in (that you had to buy in the grounds), meaning I'd be eating at about 10am, and then not eating again until about 10am the next day. Not a huge issue - I have gone longer without food, but it's nice to not be hungry.

Read up on their terms and conditions... and they will be serving vegetarian and vegan food, so... my main worry about not being able to get meatless food is void. They DO allow you to bring your own food, so I'm not sure whether to bring my own or buy food there. Maybe I'll take something light, and see how I feel about buying food later.



Second to my anxiety is that it will be rough and many people will likely be drunk. The festival is going to be huge. Enormous. Three stages running all at once, with something ridiculous like several thousand people in attendance.



Third... we're walking home. We live very close, but still. Eugh.